The Resource Section of this book lists associations and agencies which publish guides and pamphlets designed to help parents deal with prevention.

Recognizing that your child may have been a victim

If you are one of those parents who believes that this will never happen to your children, you are potentially setting your child up to not recognize the possibility. Parents have to understand that certain structural difficulties in a home can lead to the child not getting the emotional support he or she needs. Some examples may be a single parent environment, step-parents, substance abuse in the family, a latchkey situation, financial stress, an adult survivor of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, we have found that parents who are themselves survivors, are less likely to pick up on abuse in their children, as if they have a blind spot. These are conditions that can impair the emotional support a child gets. The more a child's needs are filled, the less likely they are to become victims. The greater their needs, the more vulnerable the child is.

Some of the signs and acting out behavior that could indicate sexual abuse are:

Genital pain, itching or bleeding

Torn or stained clothing

Regressive Behavior

Unusually aggressive behavior

A dramatic change in peer relationships

Avoidance of one particular person or place

Seductive behavior

Acting out or talking about sexual behavior

Clinging behavior

Nightmares

Loss of appetite

Bed wetting

Moodiness or irritability

Once the child is primed to talk, the next most important thing is the parent's reaction. Reinforce that the other party was at fault. "Yes, mommy and daddy are upset and sad, but we understand." The actual interviewing of your child is better left to the professionals, particularly in a situation where it is suspected that a husband or boyfriend is the offender.

Since the reporting of sexual abuse comes mostly from the children, there is a movement towards disbelief and a tendency to question the truthfulness of the children. It is a statistical fact that 97 percent of the children do tell the truth. This is consistent with my own experience with the children I have interviewed. Kids can lie about a lot of things. They mess up on the details. When it comes to the details of the abuse itself, they are invariably correct.

The importance of getting professional help for the victim cannot be stressed enough, regardless how minor the incident of abuse may appear. It's best left to the therapist to determine the impact the abuse had on the child and the appropriate level and duration of the treatment. Children have a tendency on the surface to minimize and may initially not realize how deep a scar there may be. If caught early, with parental support and therapy, the child has an excellent chance of surviving the abuse.

Equally as important is therapy for the non-offending parents and family therapy to help parents cope with their own emotional issues. In order to be able to be supportive to their child, parents need to get beyond their own concerns.

While you are dealing with the psychological needs of the victimized child, make an honest attempt to do something about the offender. The child needs to know that something is being done and that the matter is not covered up as in "we are just not going to Uncle Joe's house anymore." Make an honest attempt to contact the authorities and allow them to do something.

I'm not suggesting that some children won't be sorry they told. In the situation where children are removed from their home because the mother won't believe the dad abused the child, they'll wish they had not said anything. In my experience the telling creates more problems for the child initially: problems in the family, problems with the prosecution. It's like taking a kid to the dentist. It's okay for as long as it's just check-ups. After the first cavity, the child doesn't want to go anymore. You take them anyway, because you know it's best for them. I usually tell children who are sorry, "Come back in three years and then tell me you're still sorry you told."

I've seen parents who take the first step. They'll go as far as to find a therapist or a minister who will not report the incident. They'll seek treatment but refuse to deal with the offender. Covering up for Uncle Joe sends the wrong messages to the child. "Why is this such a bad secret - am I that unimportant?" Children are not stupid. They know when you really care and when you are doing your best. They know and act accordingly.

The Youth Offender

Most people have difficulty differentiating between child experimentation and youth sexual abuse. Which leads to the definition of what is age-appropriate. Is it appropriate for a seven-year-old to have oral sex? Is it appropriate for two fourteen-year-olds to have sex? Maybe. That may be experimentation. How about a twenty-year-old and a fourteen-year-old? The psychological age difference defines sexual abuse. Children doing "show-and-tell" at a young age is a common occurrence. Most of us know what is age-appropriate experimentation and what is not. Most of us know that if a ten-year-old had intercourse with a six-year-old, that this is age-inappropriate.

Youth offenders can present themselves in any situation. Young offenders can be age- and play mates, baby sitters, camp counselors. Because they act on impulse and don't usually develop relationships, they are not readily recognized through other behavior patterns. Their hold on the victim is less coercive and the victim may be more likely to tell. Older youth offenders take on the characteristics of adult pedophiles in their seduction techniques.

It is important for parents of youth offenders to recognize that therapy is most critical, more so because the child is both victim and offender. If left unaddressed, the youth offender may need serious clinical intervention such as provided by a number of institutions. Again, the therapist is in the best position to make the appropriate recommendations. In those cases where the youth offender is over the age of ten and no action is taken by the parents, the child can be forced to undergo therapy through juvenile court and detention. Without the appropriate support from the family however, therapy can only go so far, and even the most rigorous clinical program may not be enough.

Here therapy for the parents is even more important. Youth offenders need more than just support and parents have to learn how to handle the child's behavior.

The Adult Offender

Adult offenders can roughly be grouped into two categories: the outsider and the insider, or the pedophile and the incestuous offender. The classic pedophile is relatively easy to recognize and often well known by the kids in a given neighborhood. They are hard-core, that is, their primary sexual interest is children. On the surface, these guys seem tireless youth activity leaders. Teenage boys hang around them in groups. Often pornography and sleep-over/camping arrangements are part of the seductive process. An unusually close relationship between your child or teenager and an older male figure is suspect.

Other pedophiles are more situational molesters - the child happens to be there and the offender is indiscriminate. They are often married and appear to have normal heterosexual relationships. They are harder to recognize since they are known to the victim and the parents. They often rely on a relationship of trust or friendship, not only to seduce the victim, but also to remain undetected. Professions with inherent trust relationships and easy access to children seem to provide better opportunities to the situational molester. These professions can include the priesthood or ministry, teachers, counselors, scout masters, coaches. With this, I am not suggesting we all lock our kids in a closet, but I am suggesting that parents should be aware of the potential of situational conditions. It is only prudent for parents to be cautious and to watch your children closely for changes in behavior or close attachments.

Most offenders are victims themselves. In this category, a common excuse and escape is substance abuse. That may have acted as a trigger, but it is never the cause. These offenders have the predisposition before they get involved with drugs or alcohol.

Another common misconception about offenders is that once they have had treatment, they are cured. Please don't believe that. A cure is not likely, especially not in a case of sexual abuse. It's the sexual desire, however it is acted out, which makes it such a difficult crime to deal with. One thing these offenders will love you for - if you don't deal with it and don't turn them in.

Education and Community Involvement

Parents wishing to get involved in prevention of child sexual abuse beyond the home level have a number of options within their immediate communities.

Adult Education

Local associations, groups, churches, and organizations can host lectures on the topic of child sexual abuse and prevention. A guest speaker and expert on the topic can be invited to address the audience. Educational pamphlets can be ordered for hand-outs to support the presentation (see Resource Guide).

Beyond the general introduction and familiarization with the topic of child sexual abuse, other presentations can be organized to augment the educational process. Such presentations may be on topics such as local law enforcement activities (your local police chief), legal considerations (your state's local prosecutor), social programs and support for victims and offenders (a representative from you regional social services office).

Child Education

Some communities have implemented school-based and community-based sexual abuse prevention programs for pre-school children to adolescents in high school. In general prevention material is presented in the broader context of the child's personal safety. The Resource Guide lists organizations and publishers who make available prevention materials for parents, teachers and children in the form of pamphlets, books, games, plays, and video tapes. These materials are designed to inform and empower, with the strong message for children to tell and not keep the secret of sexual abuse, and for parents and caretakers to believe and support children who disclose.

In communities where such programs do not yet exist, parents can be instrumental in introducing prevention programs into the schools in cooperation with the school principal and teachers. Education programs are not intended to overload the school system and outside trainers can be brought in to conduct these prevention programs. Teachers trained in recognizing the signs of sexual abuse, can be instrumental in early reporting and support. Even for children not yet in school, prevention programs can be organized through churches and associations. To fund the purchase of instructional materials, parents can organize fund raising events. We raised money for the Teddy Bear Program in Rutland through speaking engagements and lectures. I enlisted the volunteer help to organize mailings to parents through the detention center. Dawn Engelman's mother who became an independent activist, organized dance programs to raise money to fund prevention programs in her community.

Support Groups

Support groups can be a strong motivator in empowering people to deal with the complex emotional issues of child sexual abuse. Adult survivors of child sexual abuse can use this forum for information and support in the recognition that they are not alone, but more so, that they are less objective in accommodating the possibility of their children being at risk.

Parents of victims can benefit greatly from a support group: Mothers who can be empowered to put their child's welfare before that of their own, encouraged by the example of others, particularly in those cases where a spouse or boyfriend was the offender. Parents of youth offenders have additional complexities to deal with beyond the victimization of their child. They often face the child's separation and/or long-term treatment, and need the encouragement a support group can provide to create a supportive environment for their child.

I suggest that people who are interested in forming support groups contact their local social services or child welfare offices to enlist the participation of one of their staff members to lead such a group, or for referrals to local therapists who may be interested in leading a support group.

Within a community, once the educational process has been set in motion, the combination of knowledge and team effort can create a substantial amount of power and influence to affect change and contribute to community-based prevention programs.

Local Law Enforcement

While the teaching of parents and children is imperative in the prevention and early detection of child sexual abuse, equally as important is the involvement of local law enforcement. To be effective, I felt that a police department the size of Rutland, should have at least two detectives specially trained in child sexual abuse. The cooperative effort of the police department and social services proved to be the most effective in dealing with the crime, the offenders as well as the victims.

Whether police departments retain specially trained detectives is unfortunately in many instances politically motivated. In the mid to late 80s, when the media gave child sexual abuse enough attention and the first major movement was made towards awareness, many police departments responded to pressure to hire and train specialists. When Susan left the department in 1990, she was not replaced and the position of juvenile officer was eliminated. When I left in 1992, I was not replaced either. I noticed this became a general trend in many police departments, when public (and political) pressure leveled off.

The crime has not disappeared but continues to proliferate in incest and unreported youth offender activity. Social Services cannot singularly handle all reports and cases. They are generally overworked and under funded, which does not afford time spent on marginal or unsubstantiated cases.

A community effort can bring pressure to bear on local law enforcement agencies to either hire or train specialists in child sexual abuse.

The Multi-disciplinary Approach

Over the years there has been a movement toward a multi disciplinary team approach to investigation, assessment, and intervention in child sexual abuse cases. As we did with the formation of the Child Advocacy Team in Rutland, such a collaborative effort often includes child protective services, law enforcement, prosecutors, medical and mental health professionals. Ideally, teachers and probation officers should also be encouraged to participate. Cooperation enhances efficiency particularly in the area of providing support and therapy.

Treatment programs for both victim and offender are still under much scrutiny and often lacking in adequacy or effectiveness, particularly in the dealing with youth offenders. Parental and community awareness and involvement can motivate multi discipline endeavors, which in turn can stimulate improvements in treatment programs. Stuart House in Santa Monica, California, was started in 1985 and has since become a model for national and international study. The center combines the efforts of law enforcement, district attorney and child welfare into a single approach. Everything in the center is child size and with all interested parties involved at the same time, the child's trauma is minimized. Individual and family therapy immediately follow.

State Laws and Statutes

All states have criminal laws which prohibit the sexual abuse of children. It is however the definition of what constitutes sexual abuse that differs from state to state. Incest is not necessarily covered under the same laws as sexual abuse. Some states cover incest under the sexual abuse statutes, other states have separate incest laws. Almost all incest laws limit incest to vaginal penetration, further limited to blood relatedness in a number of states. Experts seem to agree that a blood bond is an inadequate measure for incest and that it is in fact the emotional bond, the violation of trust, which determines incest, certainly as measured by the harm to the child. Vaginal penetration is also not a singular measurement of incest, or the damage done to the victim. Incest laws that only recognize the crime if vaginal penetration took place are discounting the violating of a child through fondling or oral sex which for most children can be just as traumatic and damaging.

Most states now have child exploitation laws which prohibit the use of children for pornography and many states even prohibit the possession of child pornography. Federal law prohibits interstate transportation of children for child pornography or prostitution and the production and shipment of child pornography in interstate and international commerce.

Legislative Reform

Awareness and increased reporting of child sexual abuse have had an effect on state laws and statutes over the past ten years. This proves that with enough pressure and persistence, laws can continue to change. While the public favors longer sentences for offenders, which is understandable, it may be more prudent, long term, to develop more and better treatment programs and facilities.

People can make a difference. I urge you to get familiar with the particular laws in your state and learn how they differ from other states. The New Jersey Megan law for example created a chain reaction in several other states and established laws for mandatory reporting of the whereabouts of released sex offenders. These same laws are being challenged by Human Rights organizations and sex offenders who fight for the right of privacy. Concerned parents need to stay aware of what is happening at the legislative level in their state and make a point of being heard in favor of laws that protect their children from sexual abuse. Parents, communities, associations, can band together and petition their legislators, state attorney, governor, to make changes to the laws pertaining to incest and sexual assault. The following suggestions for changes are offered for consideration: